This is an eye-opening guide that shows you all the Downsides of Being Nice to everyone all the time and how it affects you as a person. We will discuss this problem and show you how to free yourself from this trap and become the best possible version of yourself.
If comfort is a prerequisite for action, you will never take action. So, Do yourself a favour and
STOP Pleasing People, Staying Silent, and Feeling Guilty.
Also, START Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Fearlessly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself.
Table of Contents
- 1. Stop Trying Too Hard To Be Nice That You Lose Your Own Identity.
- 2. Nothing Bad Gonna Happen If You Don’t Fit In The “Being Kind” Model.
- 3. Being “Not Nice” Is Being True To Yourself.
- 4. Make A Conscious Decision To Establish Your Boundaries And Go After What You Want.
- 5. Learn To Say No Despite The Social Conditioning Of Being Nice.
- 6. When You Are Finally Free Of The Social Conditioning Of Niceness, You Will Find Your True Self Shining Through.
- Final Words
1. Stop Trying Too Hard To Be Nice That You Lose Your Own Identity.
We think being nice is good. We aspire and train our kids to be nice.
Which is not bad. However, is it true?
Let us consider a time when you had to be nice; what did it mean?
Say you were going to the house of a colleague you don’t like because you think they are egotistical and too much of a show-off. Your colleague has a sculpture of themselves at the entrance of their home. Your face colors with distaste, but your spouse nudges you in the side, “Remember to be nice!”
“They scold you, causing you to correct your expression immediately.
Being nice often entails putting up a dishonest front, so you don’t hurt people’s feelings.
Can you explain what happens here?
You walk up the stairs into the house, shake the egotistical colleague’s hand with a smile and laugh drily at all their jokes. Meanwhile, inside, you’re rolling your eyes and wishing you could go home.
Is this what it means to be nice?
You take what you don’t like and force politeness to fit in properly with society.
When someone has vastly different views than you do or is directly insulting a particular culture, people, or profession, and you think they are horrible, you must look at your plate and grit your teeth instead of putting them in their place and leaving. Maybe even force a smile to remain “nice” and prove that you have ‘manners’ and fit in society.
Being well-mannered can be faked in the guise of being nice, which is an acceptable practice.
Are you beginning to see the downsides of being nice now?
It has you watching yourself, second–guessing yourself, looking at the faces of others, and trying to remain acceptable.
In the following chapters, we’ll learn how detrimental the desire to be nice to everyone can be and the helpful ways to put yourself first and treat yourself better.
Pressure to stay nice is one of the biggest traps of niceness. It’s a mistake to think being nice is the same as being a good person.
2. Nothing Bad Gonna Happen If You Don’t Fit In The “Being Kind” Model.
I bet you have never thought being nice could be bad. Since childhood, it has been forced in your brain that being nice means being good. We are forced to believe that If you can’t be nice, don’t speak.
We have all grown like this. We believe that being nice gets you good things like love and social acceptance. So, we learned to swallow our true feelings and put up an act to try to please everyone.
There isn’t any real punishment if you stop trying too hard to please everybody.
Although the decision to bottle things up isn’t healthy, it is not to say that it is good to be mean and say horrible, rude things to people and to do as you please, regardless of how it hurts others.
No, that is not the opposite of nice. Irrespective of what people say, the opposite of nice is not bad.
What do you say when people do terrible things to you, you no longer permit those things, and you snap?
“I’m done playing nice!”
Well, shouldn’t that tell you everything you need to know?
Essentially, you’re saying, “I’m no longer comfortable not being true to myself and putting myself in severe discomfort just to please other people.”
3. Being “Not Nice” Is Being True To Yourself.
Being not nice means staying bold and confident. You are not afraid to voice a contrary opinion, chastise a wrongdoer, or say No. You are being nice forces you to be the opposite of these things and pretend to be someone you are not.
Being nice has caused us to feel unseen by loved ones because we have been playing nice. Your parents don’t know that you disagree with several of their core values because you’ve never told them your views. When they say they love you, you can’t help but feel this is a lie because they don’t even know you. They see the image of you that you have shown them because you want their approval.
To appear nice, we shelf our true selves and try to adopt an identity that pleases everyone.
When you keep playing nice, you’re simply moulding yourself to fit into the space society has created, forcing yourself to be regular and conform to what the general public says is good. It’s unsociable to raise your head and speak when disagreeing with what is displayed.
We are ruled by fear of rejection and a hunger for approval when we play nice. We find ourselves apologizing when in our own right.
The urge to be nice to everyone stems from the fear of rejection and a need for approval.
Some people won’t even be able to make objections, sit in the wrong seat, or leave the drink and get a drink elsewhere. That is what niceness does to people.
It’s good to be good, but only when it’s okay with you to do good. Not nice means that you choose to be polite, you decide to help, and you know it is a decision to say yes or no. So, when you do good, it comes from a place of power, a place of a will.
Being nice is not a sign of morality or goodness but a concern of offending people and their disapproval. It is motivated more by fear than goodness.
4. Make A Conscious Decision To Establish Your Boundaries And Go After What You Want.
If you wish to break out of the cage of being nice, you must remind yourself that being not nice does not mean being mean or a horrible human being. It just means learning to do what’s good for you.
Putting yourself first might seem selfish, but you deserve premium treatment.
To Be Free Of The “Being Nice” Cage, You Must Take Three Steps:
- Decide Not To Be Nice: Breaking out of the “being nice” cage is a conscious decision. Make up your mind to stand up for yourself, say what you want, and enforce your rights.
- Do The “Not Nice” Things You Usually Are Too Shy To Try: It is not enough to convince yourself you want to do something until you do it. It will help if you list all the not-nice things that would improve you.
- Work Through The Internal Backlash Afterward: After you do these “not nice” things, you will feel guilty. Do not allow the thoughts in your head from years of social conditioning to break your resolve. You only know this way; it is all that you know.
If you consistently follow these three steps, you will become more assertive, confident, happier, authentic, and accurate.
Being “not nice” comes with a lot of benefits for you and your self–esteem ultimately.
Once You Have Successfully Done These, You Need To Focus On Two Essential Parts Of Being Not Nice.
- Establishing Boundaries: Boundaries are essential to living a happy, successful life. Setting boundaries makes it clear to each person what they can or cannot do based on how comfortable you are with them.
- Going For What You Want: Too many of us are afraid to go after what we want, overthinking and worrying about what people think of us or our choices. It is essential to learn not to fear rejection. If you try and get a no, know that you tried. Don’t lay in bed thinking about what if. Make a conscious effort to go after what you want.
The inability to say No is a very normal thing in our society.
For Example, You’re rushing down to the elevator; you have 10 minutes left of your lunch break to utilize a donut from downstairs properly. Your colleague runs up to you just before you hit the elevator with a pile of documents.
She dumps them with you, “Could you please give these to Bobby down in accounting? Thanks.”
You couldn’t stop her as she tried to leave and said no, but you couldn’t help being nice. Your mouth hangs open as she rushes back to her office, leaving you there. You don’t have much time, definitely no time for a detour, but you can’t stop her and say no. You drag yourself to accounting instead and miss your lunch break window.
Saying no to things that will ultimately inconvenience you is part of self–development.
Another Example, One of your friends is asking if they can use your house for a party on the weekend. You know you’ll be put out, but you can’t say no; that wouldn’t be nice.
So, you end up spending your weekend miserable at a party you don’t want.
Your inability to say no will have you living your life burdened by someone else.
Refusal to stand up for yourself will only lead to a life of burdens and unhappiness.
When you say no, it liberates you. You will find that you feel free. That is freedom from the cage being nice. When you are finally free, you’ll wonder what all that fuss about was. You’ll be surprised that more people will take it in stride than would get upset when you say no. More people would say okay and find an alternative.
You must understand saying no is normal if you don’t want to or can’t do something. Saying yes is a decision and not a necessity.
Did you know?
The Eight Main Areas Of Self–Care Include:
Physical, Psychological, Emotional, Social, Professional, Environmental, Spiritual, And Financial.
Most people don’t think about it holistically.
The results will be undeniable if you can get through the ups and downs of your not-nice training. You would be your most faithful, most accessible, and most authentic self. You would have no problem saying no when it’s uncomfortable for you. You would have no problem saying what you want; you won’t feel uncomfortable exercising your rights. You would be okay with going after what you want. You would be powerful and assertive but still kind and polite. The difference is it would be from an authentic and powerful place of choice.
When you choose to do what is best for you, you will see a newer version of yourself shine through
By being your true self, you would finally feel seen, and when your loved ones look at you, they will see the real you, not some carefully crafted character you try to portray. When they say that they love you, you will believe them because you know that they have seen who you are and love that person.
Being true to yourself by being not nice can help you build better relationships based on openness, honesty, and authenticity. It would help you do better business, be firmer, get more work done, access performance properly, and criticize without feeling not nice. The love would shine through.
Discovering yourself will also help you connect better in relationships.
Not playing nice and being authentic is the key to building your life properly. There is only one you, and the way you think is unique, so you should not force yourself to fit into the caste by playing nice. Live true to yourself and be happy.
We all consider niceness a good thing, but it’s one of the worst things we practice.
“Being Nice” often means shrinking yourself and not upsetting the next person. Time and time again, we are forced to shelf our real emotions and act pleasing to society.
This faux “niceness” robs us of our ability to be authentic for fear of being disliked or disapproved. However, practicing being “not nice” would make you assertive and decisive while remaining kind.
Your authenticity will shine through in honesty, and people seeing this will trust in you and your kindness more than when you play nice but deep down prefer not to be.
If you wish to be your true self, free of society’s shackles, you must start being “not nice.” Being “not nice” isn’t the same as being mean or bad; it simply means refusing to curb your true self to be accepted or loved and doing the best for you. Many people are forced to shelf themselves and do more to please others instead of doing what is best for them. These people believe that this is what it means to be nice, but they aren’t being very nice to themselves. It’s high time to wake up and take yourself more seriously, be kinder to yourself and prioritize your happiness.
Try this: The next time you feel bad after practicing being not nice, make a joke out of it in your mind. You can also take time to do things that make you happy for a change at least once every weekend.